The 10 Most Unhinged Things People Say to Sick People (and What to Say Instead)

When we asked our community to share the most unhinged things people have said after being diagnosed with cancer or chronic illness, we expected awkwardness—but some of these? Absolutely unhinged.

If you’ve ever had to smile through a comment that made you want to scream, you’re not alone.

Here’s a look at ten of the wildest things people say (and why they miss the mark).

“You don’t look sick.”

It’s meant as a compliment, but it lands as disbelief. Invisible illness means just that: you can’t see the exhaustion, pain, or side effects. Looking “fine” doesn’t mean someone feels fine. Illness doesn’t need to be visible to be valid.

“You’re so young.”

It’s often said with sympathy, but it hits differently. Young people facing illness don’t need a reminder of their age—they’re acutely aware of it. Being told “you’re so young” highlights everything that’s been taken away: the years, the plans, the imagined future.

Cancer and chronic illness don’t discriminate by age. For many young adults, diagnosis means growing up fast, missing milestones, and living with the reality that life may never look like it was “supposed to.”

Instead of focusing on age, focus on understanding. Try:

• “That must be especially tough at this stage of life.”

• “I’m here for you in whatever way you need.”

Because it’s not about being young—it’s about being human in something unimaginably hard.

“At least you lost weight.”

Let’s retire this one forever. Weight changes from illness or treatment are not compliments—they’re side effects. People lose weight because their bodies are fighting to survive. When someone says “at least,” it erases the pain behind that change.

“You’re so lucky! I wish I didn’t have to work.”

This one is brutal. Being too sick to work isn’t a break—it’s grief, isolation, and constant worry about finances. Resting out of necessity is not the same as resting by choice. Illness isn’t a vacation; it’s a full-time job that doesn’t pay and never ends.

“I don’t know how you do it.”

It sounds admiring, but it can feel like pressure. People living with serious illness don’t have a choice but to keep going. They aren’t superheroes—they’re humans doing what they must to stay alive. You don’t have to understand their strength to honor it.

“Wow, you got your colon removed? You’re so brave.”

Most people don’t realize that treatment decisions often aren’t choices—they’re survival. Comments like this can sound like praise, but they minimize how terrifying and involuntary medical procedures really are. No one volunteers for major surgery just to be called brave.

“You should try apricot seeds.”

There’s a difference between being supportive and being dangerous. Alternative medicine advice—especially from people without medical expertise—can put someone at real risk. Many “miracle cures” (like apricot seeds, which contain cyanide compounds) can cause serious harm. It’s okay to mean well; it’s not okay to play doctor.

“My aunt had that! She died.”

Why do people think this is comforting? Sharing someone else’s tragedy doesn’t connect—it retraumatizes. People facing illness already live with uncertainty; they don’t need reminders of the worst-case scenario. If the goal is empathy, lead with hope, not horror stories.

“Well, I’ve seen worse.”

No one wins the suffering Olympics. Comparing someone’s experience to another’s doesn’t make pain smaller—it just makes empathy harder to find. Every diagnosis and every body is different. Dismissing someone’s reality doesn’t make it easier to bear.

“I’ll look for you in the obituaries.”

Yes, someone actually said this. Words like these aren’t just insensitive—they’re cruel. People living with cancer already face the fear of recurrence and mortality. They don’t need it spoken out loud. If you don’t know what to say, silence is better than harm.

What You Can Say Instead

Most people don’t intend to be hurtful—they just freeze and fumble. But a few simple phrases can go a long way:

• “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.”

• “That sounds hard. How can I support you?”

• “Do you want to talk about it, or do you want a distraction?”

You don’t need the perfect words. You just need presence.

If you’ve ever had to nod politely while someone said something completely off the rails, we see you.

Our Support Circle is a space where people get it—no toxic positivity, no “you should try this,” and definitely no unhinged comments.

Join the conversation: Support Circle